If you are in a long term relationship, you surely have already encountered many clichés and worn out advice intended “to rekindle the fire of passion”.
Among the advice meant to shake the sheets you will find “sit in the evening for a talk with a glass of wine” or “leave the children at the grandparents and go for a romantic weekend getaway”.
Sounds tempting enough, These advices do not really work in real life version.
Still, how to overcome relationship burnout? It turns out this question also troubled scientists from Harvard University and they published a practical guide intended to organize couples’ relationships for all couples everywhere.
The comprehensive guide is based on research conducted at the university and interviews with a series of professionals like psychologists, gynecologists, sex therapists, and relationship advisors. According to the researchers, one main reason for distance and burnout in relationships over the years lies in the fact that we are trapped in misconceptions about relationships and sexuality. Perhaps it is really time to understand where we are wrong, and more importantly – how to fix.
Mistake: You confuse infatuation with love
Many couples mistakenly interpret the loss of initial excitement as loss of love, boredom and routine. This is a complete mistake.
The reason for the big excitement at the beginning of the relationship is uncertainty in the connection. We do not really know if the other side will want us, if we will continue together or separate.
This uncertainty causes excitement and emotional storm, which if you think about it deeply probably leads to the thought that it is not desirable as a permanent state in life. Actually, the period after infatuation has many advantages, like deepening the connection, feeling secure, and developing a mental connection with a person you can trust and who provides security and support.
What to do: Instead of thinking about “loss of love”, it is better to think about deepening the coupleconnection, creating friendship and increasing trust and security.
Every time you miss the old excitement try to remember also the disadvantages of this state, worries, separations, dilemmas, changing moods.
When you want to feel love again, try together to recreate the moment you fell in love and what charmed you about your partner and the moment you decided to be together.
Mistake: You give up on physical contact at some point in the relationship
Our lives are intensely busy with children, work, parents, therefore many couples gradually give up on touch.
If absence of touch joins with anger the natural tendency is to allow them to enter the relationship and spoil it.
The message from many studies is clear do not give up on touch and sexual life at any stage in the relationship.
What to do: Maintaining constant physical touch and sexual activity even during less good and busy periods in your life improves your health and the relationship, which in turn is connected to your physical and mental health.
Mistake: You are convinced that sex must include penetration
Almost all couples follow the following path: at the beginning of infatuation we have sex frequently, but with entry into routine this area also suffers a decrease.
Harvard experts recommend changing perception and approach in this area and the first step according to them is to stop counting how many times per week you do (or do not do) it, because this accounting only adds stress to the relationship.
What to do: Ask yourself: what is sex? Does it have to include full intercourse? The answer is no. Sex does not have to include penetration and can definitely consist of caresses, hugs and kisses.
This approach leads to immediate improvement in relationship because it reduces mental stress and encourages closeness. In fact, when the pressure to have intercourse decreases physical closeness increases.
Just touch each other It can be ten minutes in the morning before the day starts or before sleep and the touch can be anything that gives pleasure: back or cheek caress, massage to hands or feet, kiss or long hug.
All of these are a type of sex.
Mistake: You do not use comfort to leverage sexuality
Routine slowly entrenched in our bedroom after the infatuation period won the nickname “sexual boredom”.
Our partner becomes as exciting as an old house slipper.
It is so comfortable that most couples allow themselves to sink into this routine, perceived as an inevitable part of life.
Some couples manage to turn this comfort into advantage and make their sexual activity exciting and thrilling.
Yes, there is an advantage in routine the feeling of security causes comfort and openness.
Unlike the beginning of relationship, now we are no longer afraid the partner will not want us, so we can feel more comfortable with our sexual fantasies.
What to do: It is not easy to overcome inhibitions and maybe you do not have many sexual fantasies, but in this context it is very worthwhile to adopt the phrase “appetite comes with food” and try to recall past fantasies or work on new ones.
Many couples who overcame initial inhibitions and embarrassment report that comfort and openness led to sexual renewal and quality sex they did not have even when young.
Mistake: You do not talk about sex
It may seem that everyone talks freely about sex, but studies show many couples do not talk about sexual life due to embarrassment and shyness.
Discussions about your sexual life are very important and often are key to problem-solving and developing mutual understanding and couple closeness.
What to do: Just start talking about it. Here are some tips to help, and if you cannot do it alone, do not hesitate to seek sex therapy:
Do it in the living room: there are two types of sex talks: bedroom or living room.
It is excellent to tell your partner what you prefer in sex when in bedroom, but talk about sexual life and frequency is more effective when sitting together in living room.
Focus on positive: sexual topic is very sensitive and harm is quick.
Therefore, try to phrase positively, focusing more on what you like and less on what you do not.
Talk openly: common phenomenon in couples is feeling that partner is not attracted to you.
Talk about this openly, it will deepen understanding and connection and prevent interpretation as if you are not attracted to partner.
Keep honesty: many believe that telling partner you enjoyed and had orgasm protects relationship, but truth is it creates new problems. The challenge is to talk openly about problems and their solutions. Honest talk will make partner reveal feelings.